Should I or should I not?

Pictures are random.
Browsing through my computer picture folder and tadaa~ Look what I found! This was my drama group during Foundation 1. Tzeyang, Shiouting, MUA, KeeHui and Pinky, plus Stella who helped us with the computer.Aah, that was like in a year ago? and now where I am standing now, has no more fun drama presentations, no more running around, no more talking nonsense..what I have now is purely work, work and lotsa work.

We grow up so much that it scares, at times. So many things I wished that I could have done, so many things I wished I could have undo. Aah, wait, I found another picture..

Aah..taken in Foundation 2. While waiting for Mr. Mahalingam to find his class, we decided to camwhore a little. A little which we meant by at least 10 snap shots.

See? We don't even look like University students. We look like some ah lian's, waiting for the bus to come. We don't look like our age, certainly. Clad in t-shirts and jeans, just like a 13-year-old. Hahha...

Found this picture too. So young we looked hor.. Pinky, Jiamin, Elangesh, MUA, Tzeyang and Aiting. I bet this was in Foundation 1.,during "Daddy's" class, Thinking Skills. Daddy means Mr.Ong Seng Hee. He treated us very nicely, gave us high high coursework marks and I got an 'A' for Thinking skills. So kesian, class of Mrs "Butter-kaya", most of them failed to get half of what we got for coursework. Damn, we do camwhore a lot. So many pictures lying in my harddisk. I shall print them all out when I have the time.

Lol.Just realised that the title doesn't match the entry. I wanted to ask myself, whether to join Yeesan and Jacq for a shopping spree later in Parade..since Megasale just started today. Also want to ask myself whether I should go for the District TeamBuilding in Gombak on the 17th, and also ask myself whether to go to KL next week..and also ask myself whether to go to Penang, jalan jalan cari makan..aih...

Lonesome

Is when you know that you are surrounded with people yet you feel sorry for yourself.

One episode of THE OC season 4, and here I am, reminiscing over the past.
Told Eewan that it is never going to end. Period.

All she could say was she felt sorry for me, but the phase will pass and I will be alright.
I can't seem to think straight after the incident.
What happened to the objective me? The rational me? The emotional independant me?

I guess it's these times, when you wished that none of this has ever happened.
Being around with people, yet you can't help but feel that no one feels you out there.
You try to reach into yourself but the inner you seems to drift furthur apart.

"Nothing is wrong with being depressed, all you need to do is pop in a few anti-depressen pills."

The holiday-phobia is coming back to me.
I need a real time-out. Not one which reminds you about the past,which keeps haunting you.
I miss having fun.
I miss being myself.
I miss drinking by the way.

No more weekly booze. No more weekly puffs. No more daily mamaks.

I want to try something stronger.
More kick to it.
Morphin perhaps?

How crazy can we get?

Uh-huh..the answer would be: "Very"

So, finals ended on the 24th. Plans already started on the 25th.
Sheateng planned a BBQ dinner at the beachside in Teluk Batik, and me being the one, always not-missing out on something like this, decided to tag along.

The people who went:
1. Kian Chiew
2. ME
3. SomPhong
4. Chong Kian
5. Gabriel

:: SomPhong, Chong Kian and Gabriel with the Driver: Kian Chiew

in car ONE... and in car TWO, we have,
6. Kee Hui
7. SheaTeng

8. Zhan Pheng
9. Kah Kheng
10. Ching Shearn

Yeah, You have probably guessed it correctly. The ratio was 8 to 2, with only 2 ladies and 8 guys. Since Sheateng, Zhan Pheng has the last paper up to 5.30 p.m on the 25th, all of us were eager waiting for the time to come. Kian Chiew was so excited that he came to my block at 5.15p.m when Keehui just told me that they were only leaving at 6p.m. It didn't matter as we kept circling Taman Maju, waiting for the rest to come. It was only at 6.45 p.m when we really embarked in our little journey. The sky was getting dark and the rain was pouring rather heavily. Sheateng's wiper was cranky, giving out squeaky sounds, which kinda hurts our ears, but the whole journey was fun. With Chong Kian making un-funny jokes throughout the journey, and all of us chatting about almost everything under the sun. We only reached Teluk Batik at 8.15 p.m, with the rain still pouring..

Nevertheless, the rain didn't dampen our spirits, as we quickly bring out the gears, with Ching Shearn leading the pack, in search of a shelter: Pondok. Soon, as we placed our things, the rain no longer pours, and quickly the guys get the fire started. I realised when you put all the guys together, you can't do much. You can't even start a fire.

The guys were busy starting fire, each with their own style, and for a second, we thought the fire was going to stay, but nope, it died as soon after. So, TEAM 2 took over the job, which the team members are ME, Sheateng, Kian Chiew and Gabriel, and voila, 10 minutes after, the fire was up and going. Quickly they set up the BBQ pit, which consists of a few brickstones and one kasa dawai.

Everyone was excited but very hungry. So, we came to an agreement to only cook the hotdog and burger meat first, since both these are easier and faster to cook. Everyone was fighting our pieces of meat, especially Ching Shearn who took 3 pieces of burger meat, when it was clearly reminded that one person can only take 1 and the 1/2 of it. Couldn't be blamed really,when you are hungry, your animal instincts all come out. Then we proceeded to the chicken wings. 70 in total for 10 people. There were 3 different types of seasoning..(with SHeateng and I, doing the marinating the night before). *(The guys wanted to marinate the chicken earlier but they wanted to do it in pails..; Pails which they used to wash their clothes, undies and everything you could ever imagine..uh huh..so you get the point..) Luckily they didn't come up with stupid stupid comments about the wings, or else,..we shall throw them into the sea..Muahahahaha..how convenient.

We couldn't finish the food in one-seating, so we decided to spend some time, walking along the beach and then snap lotsa pictures. We took off our sandals and feel the seawater. The waves slowly carressing our leg as we sank them into the sand. We did lotsa lotsa stupid antics,including camwhoring and writing our names onto the sand. We managed to see lotsa stars that night.

After fooling on the beach, and with constant reminder from Somphong, telling me not to shout at the seaside, we got back to our BBQ pit, and continued eating again. With the food almost finishing, we had our little bonding session. Surprisingly, it was a breeze for us to bond together. Honestly, I was kinda afraid that this outing might not be as good as the others I had. One reason was probably due to the fact that these group of people are those whom I don't even mix around with. Everytime we meet, it was either a simple gesture of "Hello" or a slight nod to acknowlege one's presence and that was it. None of my usual hangout group was there but surprisingly, we hit it out fine. We discussed about matters from Hackers, gruesome stories, horror stories and up to dirty movies. Everything we talked about was funny and no one, seriously, no one felt left out. Everyone was practically enjoying themselves.

It looked like it was going to rain any moment, that's when we had to come up with some back up plan. We continued talking up to 1 a.m. and then proceeded to clear the site. We sat around planning when we decided to go to the Lumut Jetty to kill time. The beach was then almost deserted and we saw Mat Rempits near the beach. We did fear that something might happen to us because according to them, sometimes, these Mat Rempits are a little dangerous and maybe..something might happen to us. We all waited for them to leave, then we quickly went into our cars.

The road out to Lumut was rather dark and quiet. As it was already 2 a.m, the roads were deserted and empty. We had to drive in a slow yet steady pace, to avoid any mishaps. KianChiew was afraid that people might jump out to scare us and then rob us in the middle of the journey. However, that did not happen, and we reached Lumut safely. The jetty was full of couples and groups of people. We parked our cars, and then walked to the nearest Mamak stall. (somehow we can never runaway from Mamak huh? Leave UTP already still have to go mamak geh) As we walked to the location, people from the jetty were looking at us with one kind of look. It felt eerie and weird, when I quickly clench onto my camera, holded it near me, instead of swinging it to and fro..

We settled ourselves in the mamak stalls while some of us quickly ran to the washroom. It was so painful to hold what we have to let out because the toilets in Teluk Batik were closed. A sense of relief was felt, when we let it all out.=) We continued crapping and also about all kinds of topics. It was almost 5.45 a.m. when we decided to leave. We got kinda freaked out because there was this Proton Wira parked beside the mamak shop, quite near to our place. Earlier, I saw a group of men, surrounding the car, talking while looking to the right and left. I didn't think much as probably they were just talking la. The same position lasted for an hour, when I smelled something fishy going on. KianChiew realised I saw something, and quickly showed me his finger on his lips. I knew something was wrong, and I loudly announced that we should probably get going. Only me, KianChiew and Keehui sped to our cars, while the rest merely walked. We notioned them to hurry up, locking the doors as soon as everyone stepped in. I managed to look behind, to see that those men were actually stealing the car. 2 men were trying to cover up, while one was using some metal, inserting it into the car. It was the first time I experience people stealing a car, plus doing it so openly in the public. Then, as we were driving back to the beach, I told KianChiew that the 2 tables of men who were sitting beside us, were probably their gang, because they were staring at us, with one kind of look..

Imagine what could have happened to us, if we were to approach the men, asking them what they were trying to do?
Or they decided to steal our car instead when they fail to steal that particular one? Or they could have chased us and followed us..

We drove back slowly and cautiously to the beach, with Gabriel and SomPhong fallen into deep sleep. Upon reaching the beach, no one dared to step out from the car, until KeeHui's car door opened up and they came to our car. We didn't want to go out from the car, as it was dangerous and who knows what might happen to us right? The street lights were all out and the beach was definitely deserted. We agreed that everyone has to stay in the car, which is safer plus they will be able to get some sleep. It would be better for the drivers to get some sleep, as they were driving the whole day. Haha..but the 3 of us, KianChiew , me and chong Kian was unable to sleep. Felt disturbed and started to talk about the crime prevention in the country. At the same time, my nature called..and I was trying so hard to stand..Finally when it was getting brighter, Sheateng, Me,Chong Kian, and Pangkor went to the beach to look for the toilets. None of them were opened. It was easy for Chong Kian as he was able to finish his business anywhere whereas it was hard for both me and Sheateng. We looked for suitable places but none of them were suitable. We then, went to look for toilets in the resorts. Luckily there was one, and the management has to charge RM0.50 per person. So expensive la!

The sun was rising, and the beach was brighter. More and more people were coming so we walked to the beach..doing the same thing, dipping our feet into the sea. Most of them wanted to swim, so they took off everything and jumped in. People like me, Gabriel and Kian Chiew stayed dry onland. Gabriel went around, taking pictures, looking all-pro like a professional cameraman, while KianChiew was being a nice guy, taking care of all our belongings,while entertaining me. We had fun, seeing them play in the water and doing stupid actions. Hahha..funny..

We left only at 8.45 a.m. because everyone was hungry. Went to AyerTawar for breakfast and we headed back to UTP after being out for 10 hours straight without any sleep. The BBQ was one of the best outings I have since I stepped into UTP. The company was great, the people were superb and the food was scrumptious.
Can't wait for the next one though. When ah??

It all ended in 3 hours..

Stepping into Undergraduate studies is not important.
Not as easy as it sounds.
Not as difficult as they said it would be.
Uncountable, neverending assignments, numerous tests and quizzes, endless lectures and labs
It all ended with my 3-hour Geology paper today.

I had my fair share of work, the bigger share of fun.
It was just like yesterday when I first got my room key, and to know that it was 5 storey's high.
The first time I stepped into the room, and to clean it.
The first time I started dreading for not exercising more often, because after reaching the 2nd level, I was already panting like a dog.
The first time I was afraid to leave the room, and also to go back to my own room; I was afraid of the stairs.

Throughout the semester I had times when I was down, the times when I was enjoying myself.
I faced dilemmas of my own, criticism from other people and pressure from my colleagues.
I enjoyed the times when I spend them, updating my coursemates with current issues and knowledge about Biology.
I enjoyed the times when we would sit down, and laze around, while waiting for the next class.
I missed the times when I was able to relax and enjoy, because seeing my coursemates full with pressure, I too, had to follow suit.

And after 1 month, only the whole house was able to bond together.
We had lotsa fellowships together, having meals together.
Everything seems to be smooth-sailing this semester, with minor bumpers in the middle, but we overcame it like adults.

Although I wanted this holiday to come months before, yet somehow I dreaded it to end.
I know, I am going to miss Cres, Carina, Noni, Sheateng, Punchee, Sharon, Nancy, Jaja, Nana, Lin, and "dunno-what-her-name-is girl"..
2 months. 2 whole months without you girls..
=)

*I shall miss becoming a ketua-rumah for 2 months.

"Happy Holidays!! and come back in one whole piece alright?"
*snifff-snifff*

I shall miss my other friends too from HOUSE 1, lvl 4. The times when I would just come down to talk and catch up with two houses' lives. I would always be on time whenever you all are having meals.=)
I will never forget the times when Huiching and Pinky and T'Hooi cooked half-boiled egg in the middle of the night. (actually only one time) So many things which people has done for me, but I never had the chance to say thank you, here's a big Thank You to you guys!!

"THANK YOU!"

We have still many semesters to come, and hopefully major turbulance would not occur that would jeopardise our good rapport.=)
This might sound corny but I muaah-muaaahh you guys!!

Love and relationships

So, I no longer am in a relationship.
Very much single.
Hate every single second of loneliness, whenever I look around, I see two people being happily together, I can't help but felt a slight jab in my heart.
I once, was that happy too.But now, like the time, it passed by so quickly that the only thing I was able to salvage are the memories.
No, this is not another continuation of my depressed entries in Tabulas.

But this entry, is about what I think about relationships and 'love' nowadays.
I have seen so many couples in 19 years of living,and trust me, it's the same here in UTP.
Are they really together because of love, or are they together, because they want to be together, or they are just faraway from home,and they can't stand the loneliness, so they got together.?

Like what one of my friends who made a comment and I quote,
"Some are circumstantial couples. They get together because of situations. They just happened, the relationships are not real, just to like what the Malays would say, "MENGISI TEMPAT KOSONG DI HATI"-to fill in the emptiness of one's heart.

Believe me, I have seen so many relationships that I find them rather interesting actually. I get envious at some relationships, but some, I really pitied them. I often see couples who are pretty much in love, when they can't get enough of one another. These, are what we labelled them as 'clingy' but we can't blame them, can we? When you fell heads over heels over someone, you would wanna spend 25 hours of your time with them. You would wanna sacrifice the whole world and to be devoted to that very person. The time would actually stop and you would able to savour every single moment you spent with that particular person. Other things would no longer matter in your life, because the only motivation which keeps you going on,is your other half right now.

Then there is another type of relationship which I simply find it, ridiculous. We call them 'partners in a relationship'. There's absolutely no love, or maybe there is, just that it's not as strong as the one I mentioned above. They get together, because one seems to be able to help the other in many factors, so they 'used' one another to achieve something. I honestly, do pity these relationships because they will never, be able to experience the magic of love. Sometimes, being practical is important, but being able to drown yourself in love, is far more important.

One advice I always tell myself and the rests, do not get into a relationship, just because you WANT to do relationships. Trust me, it's not worth the time and emotions. Being in a relationship requires full commitment or else, it would only meant that you are just partners in a relationship.

To be able to love one for their qualities as well as their badpoints, is a very noble thing to do. To forget their mistakes, to forgive and to love them unconditionally. Try searching deep into your hearts and ask thyself, whether the one sleeping beside you each night, the one who held your hands during thunderstorms, the one who hugged you and shield you away from the rain, the one whom you called "Darling", "Dear", "Honeykins"..(and what sort of soapy names you call) are really the one you love. Give reasons for yourself to believe that there's actually love in your relationship, for you don't want to waste your time, 'investing' in something which might not work in the end.

Season 1, episode 1

Hi, my name is Angkhian. Most of you who stopped by to visit my blog may already know who I am, but I would just love to go through a brief introduction about myself. It would be better for you to know more about me before reading any of my entries furthur.

So, as you know I am in my late teens now, approaching the big TWENTY in a matter of month's time. Oh wait, it's already November,which leaves me another one month before I stepped into my early twenties. Frankly, it had never occur to me that this day would come, being so used to having a number "1" in front of my age for so long, I don't know what's it like to actually start my age with the number "2" now.

Being a true Ipoh-ian, I have never leave far away from home. It's true really, considering when I underwent my National Service stint, I was having my fingers crossed to be send to Sarawak/Sabah, but it never came true. I was instead, posted to Lumut, which is only 2 hours from Ipoh. The 3-months stint came and went, and I thought I was able to leave home again to continue my tertiary education, but no, it didn't happen again. I am currently doing a 4-year Engineering Degree program in Civil Enginering in Universiti Teknologi Petronas (UTP), Tronoh, Bandar Seri Iskandar. Alright, it's only 30 minutes away from my home.

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder whether it was pre-destined for me to have a degree in Engineering. University life is not about parties, or at least my university has no wild parties with never-ending flow of booze. We do have formal dinners in the university, but it's nowhere near parties they have in big colleges in the big cities, let alone booze. No, even the guys and girls are separated into different areas of the university to avoid mishaps.

Aah, I forgot, this is supposed to be an introduction about me, not about my thoughts just yet.

So, I am someone whom people would love to hang around with,..wait, I have to finished my sentence,..when I am in a good mood. I give out a good harmonious aura that many find it pleasant. Get me into a group of strangers, and I happen to be chirpy, the next problem you face, would most probably to get me stop talking. If you know me longer, you would probably know that deep within the cool looking mask I put on each day, lies a depressed, upset soul who puts up another cheerful mask to hide her true feelings.

Now,don't get me wrong. I was raised in a family who loves me and I love them too. I was not a child who was left alone, and in fact, my daddy and mummy constantly reminds me that they love me and my brother very much. Every demand I made, was fulfiled with conditions. I was not spoilt, but pampered and loved.

However, my problems did not come from my family, it came from everywhere. Like every teen, I had my own dilemmas, with love, relationships, studies, financial, peer pressure..etc.

Aah, that's where my depression steps in. I gave my heart to someone whom I treasure, and it never returned. So, I am heartless and a depressed soul now. =)

I must mention that one passion of mine, is driving. Get me a set of wheels, and lotsa free petrol, and I am all set to go. I can drive, drive and continue driving for hours, that's if the car comes with a serious stereo sound system. I love blasting my favouring "boom-baa-boom-baa" songs, and I get high, just by driving. So, if you have found your passion, who needs drugs anyway?

Another thing that you must know that I can never, Ever resist alcohol. No, I am not an alcoholic, but I just love the feeling when it enters my bloodstreams. It's euphoric!

Things which I can never leave home with are my handphone, my mp3 player and my watch. Without these gadgets, I can never lead a normal life. Can't even walk straight. Music is my life. Without them, anyone's life could be boring, thus my mp3 player. Handphones are as important as music. I can never resist new models with super-uber features. I get high easily.

If you've just found about me, you must have thought that I am a new writer around. Silly of you! I have been keeping 2 blogpages all these while, with one being updated an average of 3 times each day.
Do come by and see my past entries, about my rantings, my comments, my feelings and my thoughts.

But I must warn you, you can be there to read, admire,gasp, and comment about my entries, but you have absolutely no right in doubting and questioning them.
The same goes for this blog page.
I write about how I feel, and honestly I do not give a damn what you other people's thoughts are. You feel strongly against something, you go write about it in YOUR OWN blog, not in commenting about what I have to say.

My life is not as bad as I said it is. I have many things that keeps me going everyday.
I have my family to thank for.



I started this new blog page to experiment. I hope that you would come back frequently as I will always try to write something interesting to keep you coming back for more. But alas, the things I usually write is about my daily life and also about my feelings and thoughts, it's very subjective to begin with. It's entirely up to you to come back for more or to stay far-far away. You own the computer, you hold the mouse and the decision is just a mouse-click away.

I didn't know what to write as a starter for this new page. I decided to put pictures of myself, in chronology to let you know the physical changes I went through. I dedicated my previous blogpage to my loved one,and now,this, I am solely dedicating it to myself and to you, readers.

So, as I was saying, "Hie, I am Angkhian". Call me "Khian" for short.